Friday, August 28, 2009

When the Wonder Comes...

This post is long long over due. So many times in the past 7 weeks I have wanted to share our our adoption experience. But I find myself wordless. How can I share my thoughts publicly yet stay private? You see, Little Miss Zion is deeply loved. Of course the RitterB's love her. She is the daughter and sister they have each longed for. We have prayed for the time the Lord would bless us with a sweet girl. As a mother I felt a literal pain in my heart as I longed for another daughter. Jordie and I have a special bond you know. A bond that can only be felt between mother daughter. I am filled with excitement as I think of her future. Of Love and marriage, and babies in a baby carriage. Something I know she will be amazing at. Maybe it is my greed that made me long for another daughter to dream with. Maybe my hearts desire is not greed at all.
I have started this entry over and over. An entry that maybe Miss Zion will cling to one day. There will be a time when you, Zion, may have a mind filled with wonder. You may desire to know about your birth. About the woman who helped you grow warm and safe inside of her. About the man she loves. This part is about them. Katherine and John are their names. We chatted several times on the phone before you were born. It seemed so easy to have become so close to them. John is a strong Baptist man. He had strong feelings about your name. He asked that Daddy and I make sure we chose a name that was unique with meaning. We hope we have done right by him.
On July 5th at 12:45 in the morning our phone rang. We knew what that call was all about. We had been waiting for weeks for you to make your grand entrance. By 1:15 we were on the road headed towards you. Our minds and hearts raced as we traveled. How was "Kat" doing? Had you been born? Were you healthy? Were the doctors and nurses treating "Kat" kindly? Lots of worries....We had constant communication with our Heavenly Father. We knew that adoptions like this were risky. As adoptions always are.
We arrived at 9:30am. We quickly showered and headed to the hospital to meet you. My heart raced. I found myself scared. Would I be the kind of woman "Kat" had imagined? We enjoyed talking on the phone. Would our connection be the same in person? Would I be able to swallow the ugly cry back? I remember Daddy taking my hand in his and smiling.
Katherine sat in bed holding you in her arms. When I saw her I KNEW her. It was as if my spirit jumped with joy. It was a little bit what like Heaven will be like I imagine. She held you out to us and said "Meet your daughter." Oh how beautiful. We sat together just he 4 of us. You, Daddy, Me and Katherine. John came a little while later. We all talked about you. John and Katherine told us how much they loved you. How if they could, they would have you as their daughter. You stayed in the hospital for 2 days. Lots of emotions were felt during that time. Emotions of grief and sorrow. Feelings of loss and despair. Joy and love were felt too. Oh how John and Katherine wanted you. Oh how Daddy and I wanted you. One afternoon Katherine and I sat together on her bed. She wanted to be your mother. She wished things were different. She was so sad. We sat together and cried. She was mourning the loss of you. I mourned with her. She was so sad she would not see you grow and become a beautiful young woman. Katherine and John made the choice for Daddy and I to be your parents out of LOVE. Pure Unselfishness. It was at this point that our adoption took a turn in a different direction. It was this day Daddy and I wanted our adoption to be an open adoption. Zion, we love your biological parents very much. We want them to find peace in their decision. We hope that allowing them to see you grow will help them heal.
I can say I am a different woman having gone through this experience. I have been forever changed. I have mourned in a way I never had imagined to. I know how it is to hold your breath waiting to see how things will turn out. I know what it feels like to want everyone to be happy but know that in the end someone will be hurt and need to heal. I can never get over that one.
A few nights ago in the wee hours of the morning I fed you a bottle. As you drifted off to sleep I gave you two kisses... one was from me... and the other? It was from "Kat." We both love you so. So when that wonder comes.. I hope you will come to me. We will snuggle together in a warm blanket, sip hot cocoa and talk. I have so much more to share with you my baby girl. So much more.
Love,
Your Mama

19 comments:

Tiffany said...

That is the sweetest post! You are such an amazing mother, Zion is lucky to have you. She couldn't be cuter, I love her little curls. Thanks for sharing your story.

Karlyn said...

Oh my crap Kiera!! That was/is beautiful...I'm sobbing. Literally.

KC Mom said...

Ah, you finally did it and it was perfect.
Watching adoption take place in your family has taught me so much about love.
Love you guys.

Natalie said...

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. I can barely see to type through my tears.

pan x 8 said...

I love you. I love Zion. I love "Kat." We know as mothers the kind of a love mothers have for their children. I love Marc for the priesthood he holds and the blessings it brings to your family. I love Jordie, Isaac, Ammon (I had to look up his name cuz I forgot.. sorry Ammon!), and Noah who are so blessed with a great family with strong testimonies, humongous love for our Savior and wonderful parents.

McAtee Family said...

Your sweet words bring a whole new understanding to my past - thanks for sharing. Love you!!

Denette said...

Beautiful!!

Heather said...

This is such a sweet, spiritual post. Zion is blessed to have two families who love her so much.

Tiffany said...

That was so beautiful. What a miracle you have.

TX2MOM said...

That is a sweet post. Thanks for sharing!

Nana said...

I admire You "Kiera", and I admire "Kat". As you know I am adopted and it was an Open adoption. I am for all open adoption. Zion will one day want to know her roots and she will turn and say to you "Thank You Mother" for doing this for me .**

Robin and Don said...

How is a girl supposed to read through all that! I mean the tears just kept getting in the way. What a wonderful experience and road Zion has ahead of her.

Shauna said...

What a beautiful, priceless post. Thanks for sharing. She is a gift.

kristin elaine said...

I have been following your story thru your blog. I promised you yesterday I would start commenting but it is hard to type when you are sobbing. I truly admire you. There is a depth of strength and compassion in you I can only hope to achieve. Zion is going to grow up with a truly unique knowledge of the love of two mothers. That is a priceless gift you have given her.

fung family said...

Wow, you are an amazing Momma! What a gift!

Kelli said...

I love you! Your post was amazing and I admire you so much. Thank you for taking the time to write it and share it. I'm happy for your family. Zion is a lucky little girl to have so many people in her life that love her.

Sam Ransom said...

Wow. How perfect for Zion. She will cherish this post in her future and have no doubts.

Danielle said...

Kiera,
I don't know if you remember me...Sister Lloyd-I was a missionary in Kearney way back when...comps with Sister Billings. Anyways, I came across your blog through Summer's and I was really touched by this post you did. I have two little boys and will not be able to have any more children due to a strong genetic tendancy that we have towards birth defects. What you said about your bond with daughters is something that I long for and you put it so beautifully. I have been thinking a lot lately about adoption and would love to talk to you. It would be nice to have some insight from someone who has their own biological children as well as adopted. If you don't mind, would you email me when you get a chance? daniellemcclement@yahoo.com
Thanks!

Danielle McClement (aka: Sister Lloyd)

Jen Peacock said...

I knew I shouldn't have put on makeup for the day before catching up on friend's blogs...Thanks for sharing this beautiful post Kiera.