When the Wonder Comes...

This post is long long over due. So many times in the past 7 weeks I have wanted to share our our adoption experience. But I find myself wordless. How can I share my thoughts publicly yet stay private? You see, Little Miss Zion is deeply loved. Of course the RitterB's love her. She is the daughter and sister they have each longed for. We have prayed for the time the Lord would bless us with a sweet girl. As a mother I felt a literal pain in my heart as I longed for another daughter. Jordie and I have a special bond you know. A bond that can only be felt between mother daughter. I am filled with excitement as I think of her future. Of Love and marriage, and babies in a baby carriage. Something I know she will be amazing at. Maybe it is my greed that made me long for another daughter to dream with. Maybe my hearts desire is not greed at all.
I have started this entry over and over. An entry that maybe Miss Zion will cling to one day. There will be a time when you, Zion, may have a mind filled with wonder. You may desire to know about your birth. About the woman who helped you grow warm and safe inside of her. About the man she loves. This part is about them. Katherine and John are their names. We chatted several times on the phone before you were born. It seemed so easy to have become so close to them. John is a strong Baptist man. He had strong feelings about your name. He asked that Daddy and I make sure we chose a name that was unique with meaning. We hope we have done right by him.
On July 5th at 12:45 in the morning our phone rang. We knew what that call was all about. We had been waiting for weeks for you to make your grand entrance. By 1:15 we were on the road headed towards you. Our minds and hearts raced as we traveled. How was "Kat" doing? Had you been born? Were you healthy? Were the doctors and nurses treating "Kat" kindly? Lots of worries....We had constant communication with our Heavenly Father. We knew that adoptions like this were risky. As adoptions always are.
We arrived at 9:30am. We quickly showered and headed to the hospital to meet you. My heart raced. I found myself scared. Would I be the kind of woman "Kat" had imagined? We enjoyed talking on the phone. Would our connection be the same in person? Would I be able to swallow the ugly cry back? I remember Daddy taking my hand in his and smiling.
Katherine sat in bed holding you in her arms. When I saw her I KNEW her. It was as if my spirit jumped with joy. It was a little bit what like Heaven will be like I imagine. She held you out to us and said "Meet your daughter." Oh how beautiful. We sat together just he 4 of us. You, Daddy, Me and Katherine. John came a little while later. We all talked about you. John and Katherine told us how much they loved you. How if they could, they would have you as their daughter. You stayed in the hospital for 2 days. Lots of emotions were felt during that time. Emotions of grief and sorrow. Feelings of loss and despair. Joy and love were felt too. Oh how John and Katherine wanted you. Oh how Daddy and I wanted you. One afternoon Katherine and I sat together on her bed. She wanted to be your mother. She wished things were different. She was so sad. We sat together and cried. She was mourning the loss of you. I mourned with her. She was so sad she would not see you grow and become a beautiful young woman. Katherine and John made the choice for Daddy and I to be your parents out of LOVE. Pure Unselfishness. It was at this point that our adoption took a turn in a different direction. It was this day Daddy and I wanted our adoption to be an open adoption. Zion, we love your biological parents very much. We want them to find peace in their decision. We hope that allowing them to see you grow will help them heal.
I can say I am a different woman having gone through this experience. I have been forever changed. I have mourned in a way I never had imagined to. I know how it is to hold your breath waiting to see how things will turn out. I know what it feels like to want everyone to be happy but know that in the end someone will be hurt and need to heal. I can never get over that one.
A few nights ago in the wee hours of the morning I fed you a bottle. As you drifted off to sleep I gave you two kisses... one was from me... and the other? It was from "Kat." We both love you so. So when that wonder comes.. I hope you will come to me. We will snuggle together in a warm blanket, sip hot cocoa and talk. I have so much more to share with you my baby girl. So much more.
Love,
Your Mama