Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Wonder.

When did her mourning start? Did it start the moment she found she was pregnant? Or was it the moment she realized she could not care for another child? Why did she choose to tell no other person she was carrying a child inside her? Did she imagine the family her child would belong to? Could she fathom the joy she would help a mother feel again?
There have been many times these questions have run through my mind this past year. I prayed for her. I have asked our Heavenly Father to comfort and bless her. I have worried for her and her children. Is it possible to feel a bond with someone you have never met here on earth?
A few months back I had a conversation with a woman on a plane. She had been adopted. I am not sure what went wrong in her process... she was angry. She had tried to get answers to questions she had about her birth parents just to hit a brick wall. She could not understand why I was content to NOT find my birth mother. For my son to NOT have a relationship with his birth mother. Honestly, I have never desired to know her. I have a mother and a father. I am sealed to them... they are my family.
I have pondered this experience over and over. One afternoon I had a thought. I wondered if maybe just maybe Lakeisha and I knew one another in heaven... Maybe we were best of friends. I wonder if maybe we knew that I would only be able to carry 3 of our children inside me. I wonder if maybe we made a pack in heaven... if maybe Lakeisha said she would help me out. I wonder if she knew the pain she would feel... the loss.
I dont know if this is reality... did we willingly have the opportunity in heaven to sign up to make mistakes in order to help a sister raise the child God had chosen for her? I like to think that this is a possibility. That Lakeisha's choice would not be one that pained her forever.
It is the eve of our Noah's 1st birthday. Was Lakeisha having contractions a year ago tonight? Was she resolved in her choice to give her child to a mother she had never met? I wonder if she talked to him while he was growing insider her. If she told him of the love she had for him... the love that a mother has for a child. I wonder if she knew the woman whom she would entrust her child with forever would love him with a double love.
I will never know what Lakeisha thought the eve of having a son whom she would never raise. However, I do know she loved him. That she wanted his mother and father to know He was a GIFT from God. Tonight I thank you Lakeisha. Tho we may never meet here on earth you are my sister and my friend. The love I have for you grows each day. May you find joy in this journey.


mtritterbusch said...

Lakeisha, I thank you, too. Noah is a wonderful boy and our whole family loves him dearly.

KC Mom said...

I wonder too.
But I do know that someday you'll know the answers to all those questions too.
It will be like a reunion I think...and all those memories will come flooding back.
Happy Birthday beloved Noah.

Natalie said...

An absolutely beautiful tribute to your son and your sister.

Happy Birthday precious little Noah! You are loved by more people than you even know!

Sam Ransom said...

Happy Birthday Noah!!! What sweet thoughts! Thank you Lakeisha! What a wonderful choice she made and what a long awaited blessing he has been. Amazing.

Ferguson Clubhouse said...

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Noah. Happy Birthday to year.

I wish we were there to sing to you. We love you !

The Fergusons